I don’t even know for sure whether I have PCOS - I don’t know if it is going to affect my fertility.
But the thought of the possibility is incredibly and overwhelmingly emotional.
This journey has been so difficult.
I know I want to be a young mum.
It is what I have always wanted. It is the one thing I am positively sure that I want to do with my life.
But what if I can’t? What else would I do? Is there anything else I want? What is my plan B?
To be honest I had never thought about it. and I won’t read too much into it because at this point I don’t really know anything.
But I have learnt many lessons in this journey.
One thing I have realised is that knowledge is power.
So - I know I have polycystic ovaries. I don’t know if that’s because I have the syndrome or whether it is because they just are.
But I know the possibilities.
I also know what I can do to fight it. So I am.
Acknowledgement is massive. When you acknowledge a fear, a regret, a goal, anything - you then have the power to beat it, reach it, accept it, forget it….
Head up. Leap.
I saw this and it really resonated with me.
It is OUR future.
WE have to create it.
So what do YOU want?
Pick your future then make choices everyday that will lead you to that future.
How true is this?
I am my own worst enemy and my own biggest challenge!
At the end of the day if you don’t want to make changes for yourself, then you won’t. I love the quote
‘Whether you believe you can or you believe you can’t. You’re right’
Learn to love yourself! Something I found hard. But I try to make note of things I love about myself.
I love my eyes, I love my womanly curves. I’ve got a butt and boobs and I love them. I love feeling comfortable without makeup on. I love that I don’t have to pluck my eyebrows!
It’s about more than weight loss.
One thing I cannot stand is people who say they don’t have time!
How badly do you want it?
How hard are you willing to work for it?
My life looks like this.
I have an early morning part time job.
I have my own business.
I have another part time job working in a commercial kitchen.
I have a massive house Reno to project manage.
I have to lose some kgs.
I have an amazing and incredible family who I love spending time with.
I also now have bens family to schedule in.
I have Ben.
I like to be able to support Ben’s activities by going to his footy games on the weekends
I try to schedule at least one hour of exercise per day and at least 6 hours of sleep each night.
I like to be able to watch Offspring (it’s my thing!)
My life is fairly average. We seem to all have a million and one things to do everyday. We seem to all want to be able to do it all. And we can. You just have to be organised.
You have to make time.
So I get up most days at 2.25. I am on the treadmill by 2.35 to complete my morning walk. Yes two thirty five am. That wasn’t a typo!
In this time I think about my upcoming days, all the things i need and want to get done. I respond to any emails or messages I’ve received overnight and often will write a blog post, or listen to music, catch up on facebook or Instagram. I also calculate what time I want to be in bed my that night!
I jump off, do a small circuit, have my brekky, wash my face, brush my teeth get dressed and am off to work at about 4.10.
I work til 8.30, then work in my own business til 2.30.
This is what works for me. My days look slightly different on the days I don’t start work at 4 in the morning but the point is still the same.
I make time. I book things in.
And I know it’s all going to change once I start having kids. But I can’t cross that bridge til I come to it. (If I am able to of course, but I am determined to do everything I can to make it possible)
Each day and each week looks different depending on what I am wanting to fit in and achieve.
Be adaptable. Be organised. Be the person you want to be.
This whole journey so far has been challenging and so very different to what I expected. Underneath the surface, when I dug a little deeper, the truth and fear behind my inaction was found.
I have always found it hard to tell people what happened in my life. I feel like people feel I am searching for sympathy which couldn’t be further from the truth.
But we as humans can go through some very emotional and heartbreaking things. Things that can shake you to the very cores. Things that you feel you could never move on from.
I get so focused on the number on the scale I forget all about the whole healing that is going on. Every training session. Every healthy meal. Every positive and grateful thought. They are steps towards a healthier and fitter me.
So this post is really about me remembering that in life shit happens. You can’t always control it. You can’t always protect yourself from it. But you can choose how it affects you and how it shapes you.
And when it all feels too hard? Remember to give yourself a break. Accept what has happened and move on from it.
Honest. Something that we all need to be. To be able to be open and honest with someone and share your inner most fears can leave you feeling close and connected but it can also leave you feeling vulnerable and exposed.
Before Ben there was Dave. Dave was my bi-polar relationship. He was all about the full and happy highs of love showering me with gifts, flowers, chocolates and attention. And then it was the polar opposite. Physical, mental and emotional abuse. It was so damaging to my very cores.
Michelle Bridges taught me that breakdowns are important, because when you have a break down you are given the opportunity to have a break through.
Today was one of those days.
I broke down but i had a break through and now i feel amazing.
Ben - the incredible love of my life made me face reality.
Here I was again, after another failed attempt at being a healthy and fit young woman. Now i should say here i am not very overweight but i do have about 15kgs to lose. But here are some of the things i learnt today.
- My relationship with David was incredibly damaging. Some wounds i don’t know i have until something happens that triggers it to reopen.
- While i feel emotional and vulnerable in my relationship with Ben it is in an entirely different way. He is the only one that really knows what happened in the walls of my previous house apart from myself and Dave. He didn’t get the sugar coated version. He got the raw version.
- I am still fearful of David coming back. He doesn’t live far away. He knows people who know where I live.
- I put on weight originally to get myself out. when I was heavier David couldn’t toss me around and i was less attractive in his eyes so he stopped paying me much attention at all which gave me time and space to get out.
- I am proud of the weight that i carry as i believe that it saved my life. I honestly don’t believe i would be here today if i hadn’t have gotten out of that toxic relationship.
- Losing weight for me is not just about looking and feeling better and being healthy. It is a massive mental barrier as it again makes me feel more vulnerable to David’s attacks.
So Ben and I set a new goal today. To get back into the 60’s. Getting over that mental barrier is going to be massive and here (i learnt this today) is why.
I once got to about 74kgs and David told me he would leave me because i was so fat. So i joined the 12WBT. I was barely given any attention, that attacks stopped but so did the over the top love.
In just four weeks i lost about 6 kgs and i was weighing in at about 68kgs. David loved me again, the attacks started again and I realised that extra weight on me stopped David from hurting me.
To get to about 68 kgs is a massive mental barrier. But it is one i now feel so empowered to get to. Knowledge and recognition is power. I feel like now that i have acknowledged the fear i can beat it.
And i will.